


I Wanna Be a Real Boy (With Droid Parts)

by handschuhmaus



Category: Phineas and Ferb, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, I can't believe I had Doof bash Palpatine around the head with a Waffleinator, Roger Delgado's Master's mustache as a translating device, Stinkelkrampeninator, The Princess Bride References, communicator mishaps, poorly functioning mustache adhesive, the myriad capabilities of Geordi's VISOR
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 04:32:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2799671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handschuhmaus/pseuds/handschuhmaus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>I want a dad, someone I can call Pops, someone to take me out for malteds at the soda shop..."</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So bemoaned Norm the robot, only to find that a strange half-droid man from far far away seems initially more willing to accept a son than Dr. D....</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wanna Be a Real Boy (With Droid Parts)

**Author's Note:**

> At this time this is as finished as it's going to get; I wrote this back in February or so (and so long before PnF:Star Wars aired) and because I rediscovered it and found it _intensely_ amusing tonight, I decided to post it.
> 
> I am aware there are inconsistencies and/or errors. (including probably Geordi's use of his first name when trying to reach the Enterprise on his comm-badge) But it's a crack fic!

Heinz Doofenshmirtz was engrossed in reading the puzzling postcard, ostensibly from the OWCA, that had been slipped under his apartment door, and did not realize until the robot had done it that Norm had stepped off the balcony. Mentally cursing the robot for his idiocy, he himself grabbed his latest inator-in-progress and followed the robot off the balcony... maybe this hadn't been such a good idea.

"Meep" was the first thing he heard when he was no longer engrossed in utter panic or trying to balance after falling several flights onto...the deck of a spaceship?

"Sir," said Norm's voice, "I believe this is one of the aliens you have encountered previously."

Heinz looked around, about the same time that the craft accelerated upward, and was just in time to spot Vanessa staring at the strange ship from the balcony. "Vanessa!" he called, but wasn't sure how to disembark from this spaceship.

Mitch the alien pressed firmly on the mustache in hopes of finally adhering it to his upper lip and cackled as he thought about the deal he'd made with the strange man. In exchange for installing a souped-up hyperdrive in Mitch's ship, this Dooku guy had made him agree to deliver a couple of "Jedi", whatever those were, to him. And Mitch was absolutely fine with that. Maybe Dooku would get round to sharing more secrets of universal domination with him. Only he had to keep the translation mustache on; he didn't sound near so intimidating to humanoids without it. He'd given up on using his inate cuteness as an advantage; he just wasn't naturally _that_ cute. Maybe later.

One of the Terrans he was hoping to pass off as a Jedi strode into irritably into the cockpit. 

"Hey!" Doofenshmirtz exclaimed. "I know you! You're that Mitch alien."

"Indeed, Doctor." Mitch said. He wasn't sure why he said exactly that. Something to do with the mustache, maybe. It was a slightly different packaging than usually. Anyway, he didn't want that crazy Doofenshmirtz guy to interfere with the ship while they were still near earth. 

"You took Baloony!" the man protested, and perched himself on the control console irritably... sitting right on the button to activate Dooku's hyperdrive. The navicomp hadn't registered complete calculations yet. "Wait, what?" 

"Sir," said Norm, "I think we are travelling through space." 

Mitch, near panicking, shoved Doofenshmirtz aside and slammed his hand down on the Emergency Drop Out of Hyperspace button. 

The ship dropped into normal space, retaining some momentum and fortunately not conflicting with any space debris. Mitch did not know where they were, and, to make matters worse, the idiotic robot--oh, damn he'd not got two Terrans. Just this fool and his robot. Who else was he going to pass off as "Jedi"?--seized the cute space gangster by the nape of his neck. 

To add insult to ...insulted dignity, two more strangers materialized in the passenger area. Mitch strained futilely to reach the hyperdrive button again. The navicomp beeped completion. 

"Oh no! It's an OWCA agent from the future!" Doofenshmirtz exclaimed and smacked his fist down on the button again. 

"What's an OWCA agent from the future?" asked the stranger with some sort of device covering his eyes. "And why is there a rodent inside that statue? Data, my VISOR's acting up."

The other stranger removed his hat and calmly addressed Doofenshmirtz. "Sir, you should not panic. Geordi, we seem to be moving through warpspace in an unusual way." He paused. "Also, I do not think your VISOR is malfunctioning. There is indeed a ...squirrel within this primitive robot. Data to _Enterprise_." He tapped an insignia on his chest.

The guy with the VISOR thing imitated his action. "Geordi to _Enterprise_. Geordi to _Enterprise_."

The ship abruptly dropped out of hyperspace again. When it traveled through time as well as space, it was no great thing to shorten the trip considerably by a round about. 

A voice came out of the insignia "Unidentified 'Geordi', this is _Millennium Falcon_. Do you require rescue?" 

"Uh--" Geordi, if that was the VISOR guy, seemed unsure what to say. "This is Lieutenant Geordi LaForge of the Federation Starship _Enterprise_. My colleague and I were beamed aboard a strange vessel which apparently dropped into warp and fled our ship. The vessel seems intact."

"Are you an imperial, Lieutenant?" the voice demanded. An odd sound then came out of the communicator. "Chewie! I don't know who they are!"

"We are from the United Federation of Planets. We do not originate from the Klingon Empire." 

"Cling-on? United Federation of Planets?" the voice asked.

Doofenshmirtz was not inclined to remain quietly in the cockpit, staring at the stars, any more. "Why do you look so much like that future OWCA agent?" he demanded of Data.

"Geordi, this strange man seems unable to recognize people without their hats." Data calmly observed. "Data to _Enterprise_." he tried.

"What's owka?" demanded the Falcon over Geordi's communicator. 

"This is Imperial Star Destroyer _Executor_. Unidentified ship, report your authorization." yet another strange voice came over Data's communicator. 

"Hey," said the guy on the _Falcon_ , apparently offended by the other radio communication he'd overheard. 

"Is that you, Francis?" Doofenshmirtz demanded of the OWCA-look alike's comm-badge. 

The person aboard this Destroyer thing seemed mildly unsettled by this accusation. "This is Captain Firmus Piett. I must request your intention in hailing us. 

"Sir," Norm interjected, "no one is piloting the ship."

"Aaahhhh! exclaimed Doofenshmirtz, running around the room aimlessly. "We're going to crash! We're going to crash!"

"Mr. LaForge, it looks like your craft is about to crash into a building." the voice from the Falcon warned them.

Doofenshmirtz bumped Norm and he dropped Mitch, directly onto the Passenger Compartment Roof Retraction button. The ship tore through the wall of the building before it could open the roof very far, but it then bumped into a beam and swayed severely, sending the passengers flying onto a catwalk through the middle of the room. 

There was a guy dressed all in black, with a scary face mask on, pacing back and forth, apparently undisturbed by the crash, somehow. He was muttering. 

"Hey!" Doofenshmirtz cried out to him. 

"Luke," he recited, almost as if he were testing out different ways of emphasizing the statement, "I am your father." 

Vader had been so wrapped up in his plans that he did not realize he was facing an extremely strange droid until he'd finished speaking. 

"I always wanted a real father!" Norm exclaimed.

"Hey, you walking garbage heap!" Doofenshmirtz exclaimed. Despite having no desire to acknowledge the robot's paternal desires himself, he also didn't want anyone else giving Norm great ideas.

"What is your designation?" Vader demanded of the very, very strange droid.

"I'm Norm. The enemy of the platypus is man." Platypi being a semi-aquatic Terran mammal, Vader had no idea what they were.

"What is a platypus?" Darth Vader could not think of anything else to ask.

"What happened to you?" Geordi asked nearly involuntarily when he turned to the Sith Lord. With the VISOR he could tell that the strange thing was an amalgam of man and machine. 

"Data to _Enterprise_." Data tried once more as he stood up. "Data to Federation vessels." 

"Stop that, rebel!" Vader exclaimed, and attempted to Force-choke him. Data merely strode over to him and took hold of his wrists in an attempt to effectively restrain him.

"I'm ready to go out for malteds at the soda shop, Pops." Norm pronounced.

Vader was struggling with Data, who despite not being Force-sensitive was easily as strong as Vader and 100% droid, and tried to ignore what he thought was nonsense. 

A voice rang out from Geordi's communicator and echoed in the partially destroyed cylinder. "Lando! Hey! The comm's still on." 

" _Millennium Falcon_ , are you in need of assistance?" Geordi asked. Their circumstances made little enough sense to him, but the voice had seemed friendly enough. 

"This is the _Executor_!" a confused Piett yelled over Data's communicator, into one of the strangest conversations he'd ever heard.

"Of all the things! This isn't the time for that, you idiotic robot!" Doofenshmirtz exclaimed, apparently in response to Norm's request. He extracted the hopefully functional as-yet-unnamed-luck inator from his lab coat pocket. Coincidentally, it was on the bad luck setting. 

Vader took a moment to respond to Data's comm-badge "Piett, why are you communicating with these strange rebels?"

"Who is this?" Piett yelled, "They hailed us." 

"This is Vader," he said, and attempted to use the Force to throw Data off the catwalk. It was not working, both because the android had a firm grip on his robotic limbs and because he had not reckoned on Data's considerably greater density and therefore heavier weight compared to a human. 

The situation became suddenly very much worse. Darth Sideous entered the room through the door onto the catwalk, and was about to demand an explanation from Vader when he ran into Doofenshmirtz. The so called "evil" scientist panicked and fired his inator at the Emperor, who responded to the strange weapon by unleashing Sith Lightning at Doofenshmirtz.

Whether it was some bizarre quirk of fate or simply the effects of the bad luck ray from the inator, the Sith lightning had no effect on Doofenshmirtz, who happened upon a Waffle-inator prototype that had been hit by the Wrapped-up-in-a-bow-inator inside his coat pocket and proceeded to unwrap it and thwack the Master Sith about the head with it, unintentionally firing waffles into the depths surrounding the catwalk. 

"What's happening, Lord Vader?" Piett asked, but Vader was currently unable to breathe and regretting whatever thought had led him to attempt an old hand-to-hand combat maneuver against his strange foe because he'd only ended up smashing the buttons on his chest panel against his opponent's chest, misadjusting his respirator sequence.

Geordi noticed the signs of distress, "Data, he's part human. He's in respiratory distress." Data immediately but gently dropped Vader to the ground and took up his tricorder.

Norm had noticed, too, "You're killing my father. Prepare to face my superior weaponry!"

In the midst of all this, Mitch was lying prone on the catwalk wondering how it had gone so, so very wrong, where Dooku was, and why he was fighting the impulse to summon someone named Miss Grant to Doofenshmirtz's labratory. 

Geordi quickly fired on Norm with his handphaser, successfully stunning his squirrel power source. "I don't know how long this'll last. And this Vader guy needs a mechanic as much as a doctor. I almost wish we had Doctor Crusher here. But I don't entirely understand why he attacked you."

Doofenshmirtz banged the Waffle-inator repeatedly against the strange guy's head, and was so intent on his attack that he nearly lost balance when a young man ran into the room. "Curse you, strange lightning guy, and curse you Mitch the alien!" he cried, punctuating each word with a strike from the inator.

"Where's Vader?" the last entrant asked loudly.

As it so happened, Palpatine was allergic to a certain type of legume, and, thanks to the shot of bad luck, Doofenshmirtz bumped the Waffle-inator dial that set it to dispense peanut-butter-banana-chocolate waffles and happened to shoot one at his face before losing his grip and dropping the inator to the catwalk. The emperor's face, already deformed by his use of Sith powers, began to break out in hives. 

"Hello, my name is Norm. You are killing my father. Prepare to die."

"It's a R.O.U.S.!" Data exclaimed, pointing behind the robot, apparently apropos of nothing. Geordi looked at him puzzledly. 

"What's an R-O--?" Piett demanded over Data's comm badge as Han queried over Geordi's "Who is this Norm guy and why does he think you're killing his father?"

"It is a quote from a book called The Princess Bride." Data explained to Geordi, tweaking one of the buttons on Vader's chest panel.

Vader himself had tried to improve his situation with judicious Force usage on his respirator controls, but he was rather thrown in his efforts by the fact that one of the button mechanisms was broken. 

"Who are you people? Why are you gathered around Vader?" Luke demanded, for it was Luke Skywalker who had just entered. He stepped on Mitch's hand, just as Doofenshmirtz decided to shoot him with the Stinklekrampeninator (yes, that was it!). Perhaps it was a very good thing that he had changed the dial to good luck before its beam hit Luke.

Norm was only very briefly distracted by mention of the R.O.U.S. "Why are you killing my father? I haven't played catch with him."

"Look, I don't know why you're convinced this man's your father, but we're not killing him. In fact, we're trying to adjust his respirator so he can breathe properly again." Geordi addressed the robot.

"Am I a man?" Vader asked haltingly for lack of breath.

"You are certainly not entirely an android." Data assured him. 

Piett inquired after this strange conversation, "Sir? Do you require medical assistance?"

"YES!" yelled Palpatine, picking up the dropped waffle-inator and shooting it. This was fairly unhelpful, both because he currently had very bad luck, having been hit with the Stinklekrampeninator, and because hitting Data with a light hot breakfast pastry was unlikely to do anything whatsoever. His one speck of good fortune was that his allergic reaction currently wasn't proving potentially fatal.

Mitch emitted a "Meep," as his translation mustache popped off again, the adhesive once again performing miserably at its job (or rather, not performing). 

"Is someone actually being killed?" the _Millennium Falcon_ asked the general company over Geordi's communicator.

"Han!" Luke exclaimed, recognizing his voice.

"Father, are you uncomfortable?" Norm thundered.

About that time, Data managed to restore a greater proportion of Vader's full respiratory function, so he was able to address Norm nearly normally "Why are you convinced I was speaking to you, droid? Your name isn't Luke."

His neural connections stimulated by the Stinklekrampeninator ray, Luke immediately put two and two, or rather, in this case, Norm's repeated reference to his 'father' and the way Vader spoke of his own name, together and, his vocabulary also thusly enhanced, "Are you insinuating that you're my father?" he asked. Sadly the one thing that would have made this sentence completely and utterly suitable for its purpose was missing, as Luke didn't entirely indicate who he was addressing.

"Well, I'm _not_." Heinz Doofenshmirtz replied, staring at the waffle-inator armed Palpatine. Thanks to some combination of morphic resonance with the imagination of Doctor D, the effects of the bad luck ray, literal-mindedness, and revenge ideas, the Waffleinator promptly and firmly attached itself to the Emperor's arm directly above his elbow. One of the secondary effects of this was that Palpatine was unlikely to henceforth ever manage the removal of the robes he was currently wearing without modifications...

**Author's Note:**

> For the curious, Palpatine's peanut allergy here with regard to any of the rest of my writing is pretty much a dead-end notion not considered anywhere else.


End file.
